the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
