____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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