Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
