I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
