I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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