We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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