Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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