i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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