I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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