i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
