i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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