i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
