WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
