Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
