I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
