dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
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She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
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Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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