took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
