RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I look better un-naked...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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