Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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