You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
