So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
