So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
