remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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