GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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