I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
