Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
