Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
