Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I intend to get homeless drunk
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
