Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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