cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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