Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
