forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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