i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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