My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
