turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
