you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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