Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
