she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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