Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
