you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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