genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
