We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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