My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
