Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
