My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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