he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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