I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i was born a porn star she said
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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