so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
