He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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