Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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