I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
