I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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