Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
