so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
